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One of my best friends just casually mentioned to me, over the phone, that he's going to propose to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve. Speeding it's way to his apartment, right now, is his mother's own wedding ring. He's going to add a stone to it for his girlfriend and give it to her on Christmas Eve.
And by uttering that simple phrase, followed by "I told you this, didn't I?", this guy sent me spiraling into a dizzying spin of memory, nostalgia, regret and internal debate.
Instead of being excited for this good friend, I am left wondering how it has happened that I am the last of the four of us, all tight friends from college, who hasn't found someone for myself, yet.
Is it because I have dedicated too much time to theater and my artistic passions and left no time to be with someone?
Is it because I've had love and lost it or worst yet, denied it outright?
Is it because I've traditionally picked partners, based solely on my urges to help people who are suffering, and ended up dating girls who are just not emotionally stable enough to sustain a relationship?
Is it because I frequently have attractions for girls who are not available to be in a relationship with me and when they DO free up, they're too busy recovering from the relationship that they just left?
Is it because I've been too cautious? Have I held off for so long, that I'm no longer attractive as a potential partner? (Somebody once said, that a single, un-married guy in his .... 30's, 40's, one of the two... wasn't "an undiscovered gem", but was "a huge warning sign". When does that crossover happen?)
In my life, the concept of marriage and commitment have danced at the edges of all of my relationships.
One girl, I would've married, but I fucked it up, right proper, for the dumbest possible reason. I maintain the belief that I should be with her, to this day, 15 years later.
One girl, I wanted to marry. Her fucking another guy (maybe two others beyond him) ended all consideration there.
One girl, I also considered marrying, but frankly, she forced the issue by making living with her to be unlivable. Once that wasn't an option, marriage wasn't, either.
One girl, wanted to be married, even wanted to be married to me, but she wanted it before I did and once that pressure was applied, I got out, rather than continue to disappoint her, over and over again.
One girl, I would've married, but she ended things to go back to what was familiar to her and that was, as they say, that.
I know I bear responsibility for the decisions that I've made, to get myself here, to where I am. Both good and bad. I lit several of the matches that burned old relationships to the ground. Some of them were lit for me. And still others were not stable in their foundations, enough to consider habitation within. Once a person becomes an atheist and accepts responsibility for their own actions, it removes all influence of fate, random circumstance and God.
So, I am at the inescapable realization that I am where I am, because I have allowed myself to be here, either by choice, action or the lack thereof.
I am also reminded that if I were to be totally honest with myself, I WANT to be with someone.
I WANT to be married, committed, stable.
I WANT a partner and a lover and a friend and a wife.
I WANT her to be all of those things, rolled up into one.
I WANT to work to be worth her time, attention and commitment.
I WANT her to be worth mine.
I want these things and I do not have them. I'm not even on the path to have them. They do not seem to be eminent possibilities to me, right now.
And that's troubling to me.
This friend said, "When you know, you know" answering the doubts that I had not even voiced yet. Of course, my first question was going to be, "Is this too soon?" It was the first thing that came to my mind. And he, knowing me as well as he does, answered it before I even said anything. And then he helpfully added, "You know?" to which I had to honestly answer, "Not yet, I don't. Maybe someday."
You might have guessed who I am talking about. If you think you know, wait until after Christmas Day to confirm it with him. It will hurt his feelings to know that I'm talking about it here. So, do him that service, and don't discuss it with him, until after the turn of the year. There will be plenty of time to celebrate it then.
All My Best,
Mr.B
15 comments:
Does his girlfriend read this? Takes out some of the romance if she figures it out on his roommates blog.....
Look carefully, Eagle-Eyed Anonymous Blog Commentator, I never said that it was my roommate. Just "one of my best friends".
I am not aware that my roommate's girlfriend reads my blog or even knows that it exists. And I take great pains to make sure that my full name doesn't appear on this blog (or on links from other blogs). So, it shouldn't be Google-searchable. At least, I don't think it is.
In any case, my roommate's girlfriend would be very foolish to read my blog, and decide for herself that i was talking about my roommate. That would be setting herself up for a conversation that might not want to have with him, at this point. Or it would be setting herself up for a Christmas Eve happening, that might not happen. Talk about a "Blue Christmas".
I can only protect a person's identity on my blog, so far. I can't be responsible for people assuming that they know who I am talking about and then going out and ruining their relationships, accordingly.
That would be a foolish thing to do, indeed. But then people do foolish things all the time...
Cheers,
Mr.B
Despite what people say, I don't think there is a certain age you need to be married by. I think our generation and the ones following are marrying and divorcing like crazy in their 20's or not getting married and having kids until they are in their 30's. It's kinda crazy to put that kind of pressure on yourself.
I am a happily single person, yet I still find myself in the position of feeling a little left out when my friends pair off and have all those celebratory events (i.e., engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor parties, housewarmings, baby stuff, and all of that). I don't want those things for myself, but then I also have no big events to celebrate with people who care about me, either. So I guess it's a trade off. But I believe I am a role model for the modern, mid-thirties single woman. And as such, I intend to be a fabulous single. Not everyone is meant to be a couple anyway.
Go with the flow, man. I really think the key is to be happy with yourself, no matter your romantic status.
Chris,
You might want to delete this blog entry.
One time on a message board you broke the news that a person in the Chicago community's wife lost a child in child birth WITHOUT the permission of the person in question's knowledge. Poor judgement sir. You really pissed them off.
Hm,
That last comment is a tricky wicket. It deserves a response, but I'm sitting here, twenty full minutes, after reading it and am only now, working my way through it.
Because I've spent that twenty minutes reading my own comments on the only Chicago-based message board that I frequent, looking for the comment that you mentioned.
Because, of course, the thing that you've accused me of, is a terrible thing. And since I don't remember doing it, I don't know how to deal with it.
So, let's take this one step at a time, shall we?
First, I just got off the phone with the fella in this particular blog entry. And I asked him if his lady reads my blog. He doesn't think so. In fact, he doesn't think she even knows that I have a blog. He asked me, very smartly, how I identified him in the entry. And I answered honestly, "as one of my best friends". And nothing more than that. And he's fine with it. He asked me what the blog entry is about and I told him, honestly. I told him that someone, in my comments section had mistaken him for my roommate, but that I'd corrected that, as best as I could.
I asked him if the blog entry could stay. He said it could. So it does. It is, after all, not actually about him. It is, after all, about me.
So, I have his permission. Let's leave that particular discussion closed, then.
Regarding this "lost child birth" post on CIN that you're talking about... well, I have to work out my response to that, as I type. Try to follow along with me, here. There are questions about intent and time, that need to be weighed against your accusation. They need to be addressed.
Try as I might, I don't know who or what you're talking about. I only know ONE couple that I can remember, who lost a baby, in utero. It was terrible. I think I mentioned it here in my blog, because it was terribly upsetting to me, but I can't, for the life of me, remember posting about it on CIN. But since the two people involved are two of my best friends in the world and since I talk to them regularly and since they don't mention it to me and never have, let's just assume that it's not them, shall we?
To be clear, we're talking about CIN here, right? What other Chicago message board do I frequent? So, let's take that as a safe assumption.
I can think of half a dozen couples who've successfully had babies in the past three years or so. And in my limited knowledge of their personal lives, none of them mis-carried before having their babies. And even if they did, I don't know about it. I can't post about something that I don't know about, can I?
I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I'm trying, but I can't remember. I've also gone through a dozen pages or more of my own posts on CIN, which only goes back to February, 08 and I can't find it either. Several hundred posts, scanned for anything that you're taling about and I can't find it.
But let's take it on good faith that I did somehow make mention of something that I clearly see now, that I did not have a right to mention. I am taking you at your word that I did that, for sake of argument. I am granting you that much.
What were the circumstances under which I would do such a thing? What was the context for my actions? What was my intention?
I can't remember any really hilarious "dead baby" threads on CIN. I can't remember any jokes that I made about "people miscarrying their baby". If you can, please provide me a link. I don't think I did such a thing.
If I DID post what you say that I posted, I likely did it out of concern and care for the people involved. Misguided and clearly wrong as I concede it to be, I clearly thought I was expressing sympathy and care for the people involved. That's the only circumstances I can possibly imagine my doing that.
And with my intentions so unquestioningly positive, misguided though they were, I would have to beg forgiveness of the two people that I wronged. Given the opportunity, I would've done anything to make it right for them. If they never chose to express their anger with me, how would I know about it? If they did, then were they open to my apologies? Did we reconcile things? Did they give me a chance to delete my comments or delete the thread? Were we able to work things out to their satisfaction? If not, then why don't I remember it, as a black mark still hanging around my neck? If they weren't open to reconciliation, why don't I remember it?
Why are they still out there, holding these hard feelings, for what was clearly an accident and a social faux pas? In absence of malicious intent, why would they silently suffer and seek out opportunities to impugn me, years later?
Furthermore, who are you to these people? Are you an agent on retainer? Is it your job to silently lurk on my own blog, looking for a chance to remind me, anonymously, that one time, a long time ago, in a clearly different forum, I said something careless once and that somehow makes me suspect for anything that I say, anytime going forward?
Doesn't that seem like a harsh sentence for an offense that I either resolved years ago or never had the chance to resolve? How long do I have to answer to you, exactly, before you allow me some leniency for my crimes?
Mea Culpa, motherfucker, Mea Culpa.
Look, if I did what you said, I am well past it. The reality is, I'm in a different place than I was then. I'm NOT the same person I was then. I don't carry around a burden of guilt for an offense that I can't remember. Abd I refuse your label as "The Guy Who Goes Around Blabbing About Things That Are None Of His Business And Hurting People With It." That's not me. And for the single incident which you can reference for me, I can give you thousands more that argue counterpoint to the label you want to give me.
But thank you, again, for showing up here anonymously, and warning me not to do something that it turns out that I did not do. Thank you for the horrible feeling that I had, when I read your comment, as I decided whether to post it or not and then spent the next 45 minutes (as that's how long it's been now, since I read your comments) dealing with the guilt and shame that you laid down on me. That was your intention. To rub my nose in a turd I laid, a few years ago, that you've taken the trouble to carry around for some other people, lo these many years. Message receive, man, message received.
But now that I've paid, again, for what you've said I've done, I am going to go enjoy a small slice of pumpkin pie with Cool Whip topping on top. I'm going to watch America's Funny Home Videos, curled up with my dog snoring beside me... because life is too short to lash oneself emotionally for the sins of the past. And these 45 minutes were all the time you get. If you want more time and attention, you'll have to purchase another ticket to ride, sir. This ride is done.
Hitting SEND, Moving On.
Mr.B
Let's see...You dissected each step in your relationship with "Emily" on the blog, posted a lengthy piece about your masturbatory habits, trashed various co-workers (and members of the public you deal with at the day job) every so often, offered a list of reasons you aren't married that pretty much lay most of the blame squarely at the feet of the women you've dated and fairly regularly find ways to mention (boast, actually) how generously and skillfully you pleasure women sexually.
Nope, can't understand why the ladies aren't beating down your door.....
Well, first of all, let me thank you for being a long-time reader of my blog. Always good to have a fan.
Hey, let me high-step through your list of grievances and illustrate the "rights" and "wrongs" of what you've cherry-picked from my blog...
"Emily" - Um, who fucking cares? Not her real name. She doesn't read the blog, so why the fuck is that a problem?
"Masturbatory habits" - Do you jack off, Anonymous Person? Do you? Or are you crippled by your Victorian social morals that it's some sort of shameful secret that must be hidden away?!? Most of that post was a joke, anyways, you moron. Or did you MISS the picture of HINDENBURG that I used as an analogy for my penis? (Are you capable of catching subtle jokes or are you having trouble seeing around that axe that you have to grind with me?)
Trashed various co-workers? - Um, you're mixing up a post on CIN with a post in my blog. My blog is where I recently posted about how GREAT my co-workers are, actually. CIN was where I railed against a difficult co-worker. Sooooooooo, small correction there.
It's a pretty fucking retarded correlation to draw, that I bitch occasionally about a co-worker and that affects my dating life. But then you're not really being critical of your own theory, are you? Just throwing anything at the wall that you can find and hoping that it sticks.
"Trashed members of the public? - You must be referring to the bitter, hateful racist that I encountered the day after Obama won, who railed on me for letting the "BLACKS" into government. Because that's the only "member of the public" that I trashed and you know what - I would do it again. I regret nothing about that post.
Again, I don't see how that affects my dating life, but then again, you're swinging for the fences, why bother with logic, right?
"List of reasons you aren't married" - Most of which, are my own faults and self-doubts, for which no one but I am responsible for. You DID read the entry that you're referencing, right?
"pretty much lay the blame squarely at the feet of the women you've dated" - Oh, so I guess you didn't read the article. I recall taking the blame for the decisions that I made in my life. Go back and re-read the last three paragraphs, you illiterate fuck. They directly contradict the point you're trying to make here.
"Boasting about the women that I pleasure" - Those are jokes, you raging asshole. I am joking about my own sexual prowess, because it amuses me to do so. If you're mistaking them for my actual opinion, then you don't know me very well.
And that's the central problem, that you and I have, here. We don't know each other very well. For my part, you're an Anonymous Coward, who chooses the comments section of my blog (which you clearly read on a regular basis for more fuel for your internal fire) and I can't possibly know who you are... although I suspect we know of each other in real life. What stranger would put this much effort into your argument?
I suspect that there's more to the story than you're giving me here, in these short comments. You're angry with me for reasons that have nothing to do with how I approach my dating life. For someone to be carrying around that much emotional baggage, you and I have had to tango about something else, at some other time. But I'll leave you to fill in those details. Or just identify yourself, instead of being an Anonymous Toe-Rag.
And you, clearly, do not know me at all, either. You've made a mistake in surrendering to your central thesis (Mr.B is a Dirtbag) and every bit of information you take it is censored to back that up. Evidence to the contrary is ignored. Anything else that can be twisted to fit your theory is twisted and embraced. You're crippled by your own mis-guided perceptions.
In reality, I am a human being. Both wonderful and fallible, generally at the same time. I make mistakes, but I work hard to correct them. What man could do more?
I await your bitter, and completely biased response.
Cheers,
Mr.B
This is getting absurdly interesting.
My we are so defensive, aren't we? And do you know what the funny thing is? I didn't leave the last anonymous comment. I left the one before it. So that means there are at least two people noticing your social faux paxs. You do not seem to be a bad person but you have a hard time admitting you're wrong and maybe even seeing what others think on many matters. I don't point this out to be mean but rather to show that being objective is a valuble thing to practice. Let me emphasize that you do not seem to be a bad person--you should just look at how you relate to others.
This blog is enjoyable and I love your commentary about pop culture and the videos and pictures you post. However, when it's personal matters, you seem to deny responsibility. Just playing devil's advocate. It's to be expected when you post a blog.
I will say though kudos to you for posting the comments of people who don't agree with you. Most bloggers will just delete them or not even approve them.
Mr. B. I was going to comment on the original point of this blog (you know, I get where you are, being in my 30's, with someone but always wondering how I'll fuck this one up too...etc.) but after reading this back and forth with the PAC (Pathetic Anonymous Commenter) I'm rendered somewhat speechless and willing to leave you with this:
Good for you, Mr. B. Bravo.
Oh, I think I'm being precisely as defensive as a person who is being targeted by two Anonymous people on his blog for things that I can't remember.
Okay, a few things... I KNOW exactly who you both are. I track URLs for people who visit my blog. Especially people who choose to bag on my anonymously.
You're my only regular reader in Massachusetts. Does that tell you that I know who I'm talking to or do I need to use the Bat-Computer to get the message through to you? (There's another hint, there, boyo.)
The other commenter was either my ex-girlfriend or someone who I recently had a social tussle with. I would be surprised if it was him. I'm pretty certain that it's her. Again, I track URL's and see what blogs you follow to me and where you go after you leave me. Standard operating procedures.
So, now that we all know who each other are... let me just leave off by saying that I'm absolutely disinterested in the social criticism of two people who absolutely do not have my best interests in mind. One of who actually intends to do me harm and is carrying severe bad feelings for me. No, not the people that I care to listen to. I'm just not interested, thankyouverymuch.
To your accusation of whether I do or do not take responsibility for my actions, allow me to quote a brief snippet from the very blog post that we're tussling over...
I am at the inescapable realization that I am where I am, because I have allowed myself to be here, either by choice, action or the lack thereof.
Is that clear enough for you? The entire blog entry is about me being responsible for where I am. I can't be more clear about this and I can't be more oppositional from the point that you're trying to make.
You go ahead and maintain your course heading, if you want to. If it floats your boat. But let's not try to build a case that so many people are out there, silently observing my constant stream of fuck-ups, lad. It just ain't so. If YOU want to throw in with my bitter ex-girlfriend, go for it. Just know the company that you keep.
I'm done with you. And with her. If you don't have anything constructive to say, kindly go fuck off. I'll not be posting anymore shit from the shit-slinging minority today.
Cheers,
Mr.B
PS. Whoever that couple was that I supposedly offended with my careless online post, Fuck Them Too.
Holy crap! This thread started out as one thing, but then turned into something completely different!
There seems to be a lot of vemon directed at you these past couple of days, Mr. B, and that makes me sad. I think you are a terrific person and a wonderful writer and I truly enjoy reading your blogs.
Hang in there, my friend. Don't let the bastards get you down.
This is Lolly, BTW. I usually comment anonymously because I am too lazy to figure out how to sign in and I don't figure anyone really cares who I am anyway.
This thread will cinches that the our dinner at Red Robin in a couple of weeks won't lack a topic for conversation. On an entirely different note, the girlfriend from 15 years ago you mentioned...was that the tall one?
Oh man, this silly little post and the flame war that broke out in the comments section. So silly. So small.
I really did feel genuinely bad about this mysterious couple and the lost baby that I went and blabbed about. I really put myself through the ringer about that one. But then, I did as much as I could to track down my own screw-up and just couldn't find it. 45 minutes wasted, chasing down phantoms. I'm still not even sure that it happened.
And then I get bagged on by an ex-girlfriend and a Massachusetts weasel (sorry, CZ, but you slapped me around for no good reason - and I'm not even referring to the crazy shit you posted here that I DIDN'T print. No sir, you acted a weasel.) Shameful. Ah well. People be all crazy and shit.
You can really tell how pissed I was, when my language started to slip. "Especially people who choose to bag on MY anonymously"?!? In my mind, that read out as "Especially people who choose to bag on ME ON my BLOG anonymously." But I was typing so fast and so furiously, that I ended up skipping whole words. Let that be a lesson to you people. Don't get me angry or I'll yell incoherent sentence fragments at you, like your dad.
Ha.
Um, I want to briefly thank all the people who checked in on me, here in the comments and in personal emails, over the weekend. You're all really lovely people and you stepped in to help take care of me, when you very correctly perceived that I was stressing out a bit. I don't deserve such excellent friends. Lolly, Kyle, Chip, Ali and Todd. You're all grand. Really and truly. And if I missed someone, you're grand too.
To answer TB's question in the final post, just before this one, yes, she was the tall girl. And yes, I still miss her, 15 years later. And there's no one to blame for that fuck-up, but me. Get me drunk in a bar and I'll tell you that sad story, sometime. Or search around on this blog and find it for yourself. It's here.
I'm good now. Much cooler. Thanks for everyone for checking in on me.
Cheers,
COB
PS. Did I mention that I have a third follow-up date with a lovely lady tomorrow night? I sure hope she doesn't read all the crazy things that I write here about my CO-WORKERS! I wouldn't want that to pooch the really great time that we have together...
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